GDS

After the '99 quake, Turkey moved to protect it's architectural wonders from a wide number of perceived threats; damage to the irreplaceable core of the tourist economy would reek long-term devastation. Ankara launched a series of bold, proactive initiatives to guard against several looming potential catastrophes. Pictured here is the most innovative:

Perched on the Kadıköy coast of the Sea of Marmara at the mouth of the İstanbul Boğazı, this sentinel stands watch, day and night. Having learned from the costly experiences of the United States in New York as well as the devastation reeked on several Japanese cities including Tokyo, Turks devised the GDS. The challenge of defending a long, monument-rich coastline from what is deemed most likely a maritime based attack would be no easy feat; instead, at the first sighting of the nuclear misgenesis, this balloon will be released. Attached by cables is the flagship of the IDO's quick response catamaran fleet, the Australian built Orhan Gazi - 1; capable of reaching speeds over 37 knots, the Orhan Gazi - 1 would pull the tethered balloon across the Marmara to the North-Eastern Mediterranean.

Detractors from this plan sight several problems that render this system impractical and mark it as nothing more than waisted public resources that might be better spent on the myriad of more concrete and urgent concerns facing the metropolis. Moreover, in the event that the system is successfully employed, Greece protests that it is nothing more than a scheme designed to harm Greek Cypriots and adds to the growing list of reasons to reject Turkey's bid for EU membership. Here are some of what I see as the more persuasive arguments against the efficacy of the GDS:

1) Godzilla has never been sighted in the Marmara, let alone anywhere near the Mediterranean or Black Sea.

2) Only 12 of the 100 tallest buildings in Europe are in Turkey -and no one has heard of them.

2) Godzilla is a Japanese monster. The Japanese don't play Foot Ball. The idea that Godzilla will be lured away from crunching the Hagia Sophia or the Sultan Ahmed Mosque by the irresistable draw of a bright yellow soccer ball might seem natural to a Turk, but isn't supported by any precedent.

3) In the unlikely event that Godzilla can't resist taking a kick or two, the DGS would have to be employed on the shallows of the Marmara coast, at an unacceptable cost to local industry. Contemporary reports of Godzilla's height range from 80-100 meters; a direct transit of the sea would loose the colossus beneath more than 1200 meters of water.

Defending itself against allegations of gross mismanagement of public funds, a spokesman for the Gül administration announced contingency plans to convert the Godzilla Defense System into the MDS... in the event that Mothra should attack The City. At such time the Tourism Police are empowered to seize on any readily available supply of screaming Japanese, as well as a few hapless dwarves, ensconce them in the MDS's gondola, and release the balloon to the heavens.